Dear Audrey
I wonder if there are real life fairy tales.. I wonder if I would ever have one of my own.. I saw this one guy. Saw him at musical Mondays with the guy I was SUPPOSED actually like. But there was something about this other guy. Like he was radiating this energy that commanded energy. And it doesn't help he was attractive. He was perfect. I hope I see him again. I pray for t.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Fri Nov 7; 12:34
Dear Audrey,
I have this weirdest sensation. I'm sitting right next to SVT and it's awkward. Like she's keeping so much from me. Not like personal diary stuff, bit stuff like our friendship. I'm hoping and praying that more than anything in the world that we're not falling apart.
I'm seeing the leaves fall. The small mass of foliage on the ground and I kinda feel a connection with it. From being so lively and happy to dead and on the ground.
Why won't she talk to me?
I feel like [of course] this is my fault. But the I look back and it's not. But then it is. Idk I'm just lost. The weather is beautiful today.. Makes me sad. This friendship is the most out there thing I've ever had. I've never had something so complicated. I keep waiting for her to be done. Just give up. And I know how much that'll piss me off but idk. I've never been around someone who makes me feel like they don't care. Like this is completely one sided. I' feel like a mistake... Like a made the wrong decision somewhere.. Like somehow, she's done but won't tell me..
I'm scared. I don't need a repeat of September..
~BaD
I have this weirdest sensation. I'm sitting right next to SVT and it's awkward. Like she's keeping so much from me. Not like personal diary stuff, bit stuff like our friendship. I'm hoping and praying that more than anything in the world that we're not falling apart.
I'm seeing the leaves fall. The small mass of foliage on the ground and I kinda feel a connection with it. From being so lively and happy to dead and on the ground.
Why won't she talk to me?
I feel like [of course] this is my fault. But the I look back and it's not. But then it is. Idk I'm just lost. The weather is beautiful today.. Makes me sad. This friendship is the most out there thing I've ever had. I've never had something so complicated. I keep waiting for her to be done. Just give up. And I know how much that'll piss me off but idk. I've never been around someone who makes me feel like they don't care. Like this is completely one sided. I' feel like a mistake... Like a made the wrong decision somewhere.. Like somehow, she's done but won't tell me..
I'm scared. I don't need a repeat of September..
~BaD
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Sun Oct 28; 16:06
Dear Audrey,
I have this crazy dream that someone, somewhere will fall for me. That someone will find me. That someone will eventually find some sort of beauty in this. I feel so out of place in my own "communities." I want so desperately for someone to so happen to find me a bit special. It would be so lovely to catch someone's eye. To be someone's first choice. I wonder if whomever they are is actually looking for me. Or if I'm supposed to be looking for them. I want to know that I'm not wasting my time. I think I just want to cry.. A good cry would be appreciated. A sort of homing signal to let whomever they are know that I'm right here. To send my coordinates. Uuuggghhhh fuck.
~BaD
I have this crazy dream that someone, somewhere will fall for me. That someone will find me. That someone will eventually find some sort of beauty in this. I feel so out of place in my own "communities." I want so desperately for someone to so happen to find me a bit special. It would be so lovely to catch someone's eye. To be someone's first choice. I wonder if whomever they are is actually looking for me. Or if I'm supposed to be looking for them. I want to know that I'm not wasting my time. I think I just want to cry.. A good cry would be appreciated. A sort of homing signal to let whomever they are know that I'm right here. To send my coordinates. Uuuggghhhh fuck.
~BaD
Friday, October 19, 2012
Fri Oct 19; 5:19am
Dear Audrey
I do believe this invisibility thing I've got going on has become a little more keen. I've gotten so good at it that people can not only see me, they can't even sympathize/empathize what I feel anymore. What I feel or say have nothing to day with anything anymore.. I'm not allowed to not be anything else but ok.
So I shall force myself to be ok. She tells me she wan't me to open up and tell her all these truths, but it's day's like this where I realize she can't even handle me a little under-par. I don't know. Some nights.. I don't know..
~BaD
I do believe this invisibility thing I've got going on has become a little more keen. I've gotten so good at it that people can not only see me, they can't even sympathize/empathize what I feel anymore. What I feel or say have nothing to day with anything anymore.. I'm not allowed to not be anything else but ok.
So I shall force myself to be ok. She tells me she wan't me to open up and tell her all these truths, but it's day's like this where I realize she can't even handle me a little under-par. I don't know. Some nights.. I don't know..
~BaD
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Thurs Oct 11; 16:18
Dear Audrey,
I'm forgettable
I'm invisible
I'm just another face in the crowd
I'm just anther lay.
Another black gay guy on grindr
Just another nobody
~BaD
I'm forgettable
I'm invisible
I'm just another face in the crowd
I'm just anther lay.
Another black gay guy on grindr
Just another nobody
~BaD
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Wed Oct 10; 15:34
Dear Audrey,
I've been in this dentist office for about two hours. My mouth is a mess. Numerous cavities. An extraction is needed. An implant is needed. A root canal is needed. I'm sitting here in this chair in this cold room staring at my x-rays. Never let me go is still playing in my head. I feel like I'm a mess. Physically and mentally. She's back.
Gotta go.
~BaD
I've been in this dentist office for about two hours. My mouth is a mess. Numerous cavities. An extraction is needed. An implant is needed. A root canal is needed. I'm sitting here in this chair in this cold room staring at my x-rays. Never let me go is still playing in my head. I feel like I'm a mess. Physically and mentally. She's back.
Gotta go.
~BaD
Wed Oct 10; 14:26
Dear Audrey,
Today is not a good day. I woke up 10 minutes before I was supposed to be t my dentist appointment. I woke up to find that SVT was there the whole time and only sent one text saying "I guess I should tell you I'm in your parking lot". As I continued to get ready in a mad rush, I begin to walk out the door to see a text message telling me "I'm going to go get gas, in assuming your sleeping so let me know when you decide what's going on." I run downstairs and text her wonder where she was.. Nothing. I call her 3-4 times, nothing. I asked her why didn't you call me? Her response, "because I never call you." To say that this is the most loneliest I've felt is an understatement. I am completely thankful that you've taken your time to do this thing for me, believe me, I am. But to go about it like you don't even care just makes me soooo mad. I was so angry that I didn't know what to do with myself.. I wanted to punch things. I wanted to cry. I was just so upset. I felt so disposable.. It took 20 minutes for her to get back and then we sped off to the dentist. When we got here.. I literally stepped out the door. Closed it and she sped off. Just gone. Not a sorry. Not a word. It's sad how now I'm waiting in the dental office and wanting to cry. I was so late that they couldn't take me but "there was a cancelation so they may be able to take" me. I'm sitting here wanting to cry because I feel so disposable.. Like, anyone can just do whatever and I'm going to be okay with it. I'm probably going to walk home from the dentist. I don't want to be in the car with her for fear that I'm going to cry.
Today is a bad day...
~BaD
Today is not a good day. I woke up 10 minutes before I was supposed to be t my dentist appointment. I woke up to find that SVT was there the whole time and only sent one text saying "I guess I should tell you I'm in your parking lot". As I continued to get ready in a mad rush, I begin to walk out the door to see a text message telling me "I'm going to go get gas, in assuming your sleeping so let me know when you decide what's going on." I run downstairs and text her wonder where she was.. Nothing. I call her 3-4 times, nothing. I asked her why didn't you call me? Her response, "because I never call you." To say that this is the most loneliest I've felt is an understatement. I am completely thankful that you've taken your time to do this thing for me, believe me, I am. But to go about it like you don't even care just makes me soooo mad. I was so angry that I didn't know what to do with myself.. I wanted to punch things. I wanted to cry. I was just so upset. I felt so disposable.. It took 20 minutes for her to get back and then we sped off to the dentist. When we got here.. I literally stepped out the door. Closed it and she sped off. Just gone. Not a sorry. Not a word. It's sad how now I'm waiting in the dental office and wanting to cry. I was so late that they couldn't take me but "there was a cancelation so they may be able to take" me. I'm sitting here wanting to cry because I feel so disposable.. Like, anyone can just do whatever and I'm going to be okay with it. I'm probably going to walk home from the dentist. I don't want to be in the car with her for fear that I'm going to cry.
Today is a bad day...
~BaD
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